I was making a trip to San Francisco on business and I was going to be staying there over a weekend. Well, the hell if I was going to go out there alone. So, I decided to ask a co-worker (who I had been seeing for 3 years) to go with me. She had never been there, and really wanted to go.

So, we board the L-1011 and realize we are in the back of the plane, and very close to the lavatories. Well, the aircraft is up in the air, the movie has started, and the vodka and tonics had been flowing. It was time to get adventurous. So I said to ‘Jane’, “watch which bathroom I go into.” She did so and I proceeded to enter … the lavatory, that is.

I’m standing there with the door unlocked, my pants around my ankles … waiting. All of the sudden, the door opens and standing there is … an Army Private! Needless to say, I shut that door very quickly. Meanwhile, ‘Jane’ is standing in the hallway laughing, and proceeded to enter my bathroom once the Private was out of sight.

Now for those of you MHC members who have successfully accomplished your missions in the lavatories, you know how much room (or lack of) is in there. Hell, there is barely enough room to change your mind in there. Because of the curvature of the aircraft over the toilet, the only sensible place was on the sink. That didn’t last that long for two reasons:
1) I am a 6-foot man who is standing at the sink designed for a 6’3″ person when it comes to this type of mission, and
2) ‘Jane’ was complaining about the temperature of the cold stainless steel sink.

There was only one way left to do it. Doggie-style!! So ‘Jane’ is bent over the toilet (with the lid down, of course) and we proceed with our mission. Her head is banging against the curved wall and my ass is hitting the lavatory door. It started to get a little noisy. But the funny thing is, we were hearing similar noises from the neighboring lavatories. Anyway…mission accomplished. So, I pull my pants up from around my ankles and proceed to clean up. And I don’t know if any of you have noticed, but the soap they use on Delta flights has a really nice orange scent to it. (From the MHC Editor: Thanks for sharing the information about the soap!)

As I open the door, a mother and son are standing there, waiting for the next available lavatory. I quickly walk out, close the door and make up some B-S story about how ‘Jane’ wasn’t feeling too well. I think she may have been suffering from a headache. We went back to the seats, the movie was over, and that is how we became members of the Mile High Club.